Grammar Pulis

"Blahblahblah Corporation is a manufacturing and importing company established 50 years ago. We have served clients from the Philippine's Top 500 companies. We are proud of the many awards our company has reaped including the Top Exporter Award in 1998."

What's wrong with these statements? Grammatically, there is nothing wrong with them. But if they are part of a company profile write-up attached to a proposal or quotation, then those are three sentences that serve no purpose except to show a bloated corporate ego and do nothing to help persuade your clients.

Will the fact that your company has been in existence for 50 years help your potential customers decrease costs, improve efficiency, increase profit? Will the Purchasing Manager reading this paragraph feel that your proposal would make his job easier, make him feel better, be better, and do better? What needs of your clients are served by the factoid that you won an award 10 years ago?

I'm not saying that your company's tenure and awards don't matter. In persuasion, credibility is also key. But to be truly persuasive, you need to answer your reader's unspoken question: "What's in it for me?"

Here's how we can rework the self-serving and ultra-boring statement:

"You can be part of a list of of Blahblahblah Corporation's satisfied customers. Since 1958, we have been helping clients like you from small to large enterprises improve efficiency and increase profits by providing top quality products and services at the lowest possible prices. In 2007, our client, TestimonyInc. decreased their costs by 32% while increasing their profit by 42%. Our website lists down a number of awards we have won through the years. But the greatest award for us is satisfying you, our client."

Here's why the latter paragraph can be more persuasive. First off, you defocus your attention from you and your organization's need to brag. And you have focused on the needs of your readers and how your organization can satisfy those needs. In terms of language, simply shifting from the writer-focused first person (I, We, Our) to the reader-focused You or Your can alter the tone of your writing to be more interesting and convincing to your potential clients.

Remember, in persuasive writing, the second person is better and more effective than first.